Should Your Child Be A Gardener or A Soldier? Defending Your Child’s Sense of Self-Worth
“It is better to be a warrior tending to his garden than a gardener in a war.”
The basic idea of this quote is that it is better to be prepared for life’s circumstances and its’ difficulties, than to be thrust into an experience that you have no training or preparation for. The motto of Boy Scouts is “be prepared.” But prepared for what? How can you one possibly be prepared for every possible scenario one may encounter? There are some life topics that demand our attention, while others, while important, are not the same in gravity. To return to our quote, if there is a possibility of having to fight, then one needs to know how to engage in battle, and that possibility outweighs knowing how to grow plants. So, what information should one focus on? How do we know if we should be preparing for battle versus pruning gardenias?
The Soldier
The warrior is one who is prepared for battle, is respected, even feared because of his ability to succeed in the world of battle, destruction, and chaos. This warrior then steps into a world of peace and order as he tends to his garden. There is always the potential for the chaotic soldier to return and to destroy. He is dangerous yet controlled.
Jesus said in Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” The word meek in this passage means, “power under control.” It was used in reference to a horse having a bridle in its’ mouth. The horse is incredibly powerful and has a huge amount of potential destructive capability, but it is led by a small bridle. But, the soldier leaves destruction in his wake.
The Gardener
The Gardener on the other hand, knows peace, order, and how to cultivate growth. But when he is placed in a situation demanding power, he is ill equipped. The Gardener understands how to build up, start from nothing but soil and build a garden. He has the patience to wait as things mature. But, how can he protect his garden if he has no knowledge of battle? How can he protect himself and defend his brothers on the battlefield if his only knowledge is agriculture?
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Should Our Children Be Gardeners or Soldiers?
So with our children; do we teach them to fight and defend, or do we teach them to build and develop? One is seen as strong, and the other as weak. One is seen as destructive, and the other as productive. The quote gives some indication of what the author thought, let’s look at it again:“It is better to be a warrior tending to his garden than a gardener in a war.”
The person of strength and destruction has stepped into and is working in an area of cultivation. The solider is growing and developing his world around him from a place of respect and fear. This position seems to be voluntary and sought after, because the garden is “his garden.”
While the “gardener in a war” seems to be in a place of defense and fighting that is out of his control. The person who knows how to control and cultivate his garden, now is powerless to control anything.
There are things about life that are difficult to talk about with our children. One of those things is that there will be people who will seek to destroy whatever you have built, simply because it’s there to tear down. Like bullies on the seashore stomping on sand castles, there will always be those who in an instant can pull down what took years to build with much skill and hard work.
Our life’s work is worth defending, and therefore, we need to equip our children to fight for what they put their hands to build. So, our children must be soldiers in their preparation, defense, and strength, and gardeners in that they are creatively building the world around them – making it into a beautiful garden. The bully must fear them enough to leave them alone, and they must resist the fear to stop building. The destroyer will get through the defenses from time to time, so they must have the strength to start the building anew, to begin again, and to plant the tender seedling once more.
While Nehemiah was trying to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem he encountered the threat of constant attack. He came to realize that the enemy must fear the people enough to stay back while they continued to build the walls. He showed strength by having the workers hold a weapon in one hand, and a trowel in the other.
Nehemiah 4:16 “From that day on, half of my servants worked on construction, and half held the spears, shields, bows, and coats of mail. And the leaders stood behind the whole house of Judah, 17 who were building on the wall. Those who carried burdens were loaded in such a way that each labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the other. 18 And each of the builders had his sword strapped at his side while he built.”
Nehemiah understood that the work he set his hand to do was important enough to be defended, and he took action to do so. The people were soldiers and gardeners at the same time. Perhaps, this is the real challenge to parenting – to find the balance between aggression and peace, battlefield and garden.
Moving from Survival to Sustainability Mode: When You are in the Woods Longer Than You Wanted to Be
In Boy Scouts and in general bushcraft one learns early on to “be prepared,” and to prepare for the worst. If one were to go into the wilderness there are certain items (we call them the essential 8) that you need to always have you.[1] These are items like cordage, a knife, the ability to make a fire, etc. These items that you carry with you, and are difficult to reproduce in the wild, will allow you to survive.
This past year we have all learned several new skills that we did not know before the pandemic. We have learned to buy what we needed and where to get it as supplies are not predictable. We have learned new technology of how to do things virtual and distanced from others. We have survived. But the thing about surviving is that it is not comfortable. You don’t have your bed, air conditioning, or shower.
When you are lost in the woods, and know that people are searching for you, you only have to survive for a short period of time. So, you get out your lighter from your kit and make a small fire to keep warm until help comes.
sur·viv·al
/sərˈvīvəl/
noun
the state or fact of continuing to live or exist, typically in spite of an accident, ordeal, or difficult circumstances.
“the animal’s chances of survival were pretty low”
an object or practice that has continued to exist from an earlier time.
plural noun: survivals
“his shorts were a survival from his army days”
Surviving is an anticipated short period of time where to have to make it, just tough it out. You say to yourself, “this won’t last too long.” If you are lost in the woods at night, you just need to make it until the morning and then you’ll be able to see where you are and make it back out.
But what happens when help doesn’t come? What happens when the next morning when you climb that tall tree to see where you are and you still have no clue?
When you thought your situation would change, and it’s been almost a year and it hasn’t. You have to transition from surviving to sustaining.
sus·tain·a·bil·i·ty
/səˌstānəˈbilədē/
noun
noun: sustainability
the ability to be maintained at a certain rate or level.
“the sustainability of economic growth”
Sustaining is where you develop a plan to last or stay in a situation for a longer period of time (but you still feel it is temporary). For example, when a person goes to college. They know that it will only be for four years – but four years is a long time to sleep in your car. The student needs to get semi-permanent housing, get a meal plan, purchase books, etc. They may even purchase items they know they will throw away when their college days are done.
In our survival example above, we would stay under a tarp from our kit that we took with us, “in case of an emergency.” But if we knew we would be sleeping in the woods for months, then we would cut trees and brush down to make a shelter, set traps for game, perhaps a raised bed to sleep on, etc. If we were suspecting a change in the season, we would gather materials, tan hides, etc. We would mentally move from surviving to sustaining.
This season of Covid-19 has lasted longer than many thought that it would, and has pushed many past the point of just surviving through it, to now they feel they are sustaining through what feels like an eternity.
So while we may want to move from a situation to something more comfortable – what do we do when we can’t? What happens when we can’t get out of woods of the situation we find ourselves in? You could continue to wander around, but eventually you will run out of matches, cordage, and your batteries will die in your flashlight. You will have to move from surviving to sustaining (whether you like it or not).
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The biblical story of Jacob and his marriage to Rachel is similar to our mindset of moving from surviving to sustaining mode. Jacob wanted to marry Rachel so he made a deal with his soon-to-be father-in-law Laban to work for him for seven years in order to marry her. But, Laban tricked Jacob, so that in order to “really” marry Rachel he had to work another seven years!
Genesis 29:20-30 “20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her. 21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife that I may go in to her, for my time is completed.” 22 So Laban gathered together all the people of the place and made a feast. 23 But in the evening he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and he went in to her. 24 (Laban gave his female servant Zilpah to his daughter Leah to be her servant.) 25 And in the morning, behold, it was Leah! And Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? Did I not serve with you for Rachel? Why then have you deceived me?” 26 Laban said, “It is not so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. 27 Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also in return for serving me another seven years.” 28 Jacob did so, and completed her week. Then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29 (Laban gave his female servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel to be her servant.) 30 So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah, and served Laban for another seven years. (ESV)
Just when Jacob thought he had what he wanted, he has to wait and endure for another seven years. At least he knew how long his situation would last. Sometimes, such as currently during our pandemic, we don’t know how long we will be in this situation.
I would encourage you to read the full account of Jacob, but from this passage we can pull out a few things to help us in our sustainability time of crisis:
Focus on the good. Jacob focused on the good he had in his life. While he could not marry Rachel for 14 years, he was able to see her, spend time with her, and have her in his life (even if she was not his wife). In times of crisis, it is very important to stay focused on the good, what is true, and how we have been blessed (even if we don’t have what we fully want). Jacob could have given up when he was tricked by Laban, but he focused on the good.
Keep on going. Hours turned into days, which turned into weeks, that eventually got him to seven years. Wake up, get out of bed, set your mind to do something of value, and keep pushing on. Eventually you will make it to the other side.
Learn something new or get better at something you already enjoy. During that time, Jacob was able to learn about raising herds of animals and a crude from or genetic engineering. He later used this skill to increase his wealth and grow his household. It may be that while you are waiting for the storm to pass, you will learn a skill that will serve you greatly in the future.
Don’t hold on to anger. Even though he had been tricked, Jacob doesn’t seem to hold on to the anger. Yeah, your life isn’t perfect or even where you want it to be right now. But how does being angry help you? Your family needs you to be the rock, it doesn’t help them if you are angry at life. As a believer, since God is in control of all things, aren’t you really mad at Him? Does God have the right to do anything He chooses to do (even holding you where you are, or not giving you what you feel you need right now?) So, it’s not really “life” you are angry with, but God. (stop and go read the book of Job)
(ok, welcome back.)
Or, it may be that you feel you have done something that has put you (and your family) in a particular situation. Again, what good does it do for you, or your family, if you are angry all the time? Nothing. It only makes them feel even-more uncomfortable or sad that you are angry all the time.
Learn something about yourself. Jacob tricked his brother Esau for the birthright and deceived his father for the blessing. Here in this passage, Laban tricked him. I believe that during those 14 years of having to work for his father-in-law because he was tricked, Jacob learned something very important about himself.
Later, in Genesis 32, Jacob will wrestle with God, and his name is changed (to Israel) and he will be given an ever-present reminder of their encounter (a trick hip). At each stage of our lives, there are life lessons for us to learn and to become better people because of those moments. Most of us would not choose to go through hardship and pain – but let God use those moments to teach you something. It might be a lesson that you need before you transition to where you want to be.
If you have grown or discovered something new about yourself during this time put it in the comments below, and thank you for reading this blog entry.
I’m not sure why I am adding this video, but I am a new Chris Stapleton fan and thought you might need some cheering up!
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[1] https://blog.ucogear.com/the-10-cs-with-dave-canterbury/
Time to Come Out of the Bunker: Planning and Calendaring for the New Year
It’s Time to begin Planning for the New Year
2020 has finally passed and with a Covid-19 vaccine on the horizon we can finally begin to look past the latest school closings, and hospital surges. While masks and social distancing will be with us for a while, a new year opens up new opportunities for something new. Do you think I’m ready for something new (absolutely!)
God in His grace gives us newness; new days are given after a night’s rest, new growth is seen as the seasons of the year change, and a new year is given to be used for His glory. Honestly, this has not been the best year for me, and I know it has been really hard for many people. If you have not had a good year, or if you seem to be reacting to life instead of moving the rudder of your life’s ship, then consider the following as you approach the new year:
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Six Items To Consider As You Prepare For a New Year
1. Pray. It seems obvious, but God already has your year mapped out, so why not see what he says about your next year. Are there things that you find yourself foolishly repeating year after year simply because you didn’t spend time with the Lord? Before we begin to plan our next steps, we must consult the Lord and His plans for us.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare2 and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”
2. Develop Your Calendar. It has been said, “If you don’t control your calendar, then your calendar will control you.” As you chart your next season of life, begin by taking your yearly calendar and adding all of the big annual events (vacations, ministry events, family events like anniversaries and birthdays, and conferences). While Covid-19 may have changed how we do these things, we must think creatively, with purpose and understanding, to see that the intention behind these “big rocks” have the space needed in our lives.
Once you have yearly events, then move to monthly, and then weekly. But before you add all the events from last year to the calendar for this year, you must prayerfully consider each one. How will you evaluate if you need to do this or that event again, on the same scale, or the same way? While I pray that life is not about quarantines and closings this coming year, we still need to carve out the weekly and monthly items that are important.
Make sure you put as much information as you know on the calendar. There will be events that you do not have a specific date for yet, but try to place it as close to the date of where you think it will be held. By having all your events on the calendar before you, you can also evaluate if there will be simply too much going on, or if more things can be added to the calendar. Perhaps, an alternative is to move events around until you find the balance between the two.
3. Along with your events, simultaneously, develop your budget. How much will you need for specific events, trips, or ministry efforts? You may find that you need to scale down an activity or that you have the ability to do something else or to do the event on a larger scale than you once thought possible. Like air in a clown’s balloon, you can twist all the links into it you want, but there is only so much air and the balloon can only stretch so far.
4. Consider your own personal goals and need for growth. If you are finding yourself feeling “burned out” spend some time asking the Lord, “Why am I feeling this way?” or “What am I doing regularly that is negatively impacting my life?”
It may be that you are spending too much time away from home, or not enough in devotional time. It will be different for everyone, but now is the time to plan out how you will not continue to do these same things. You don’t have to feel tired, depressed, worn out, etc. all the time.
This is also a great time to consider the needs of your family. Just as the seasons change, so do the needs of family. Each year brings its’ own set of problems and challenges, and so as you prayerfully plan your budget, calendar out events, and set your personal goals, also consider how your family has changed in the past year. Avoid excessive activity, and build in family time, or special time with a child that may need some extra attention. Your first responsibility is to your family, and then to ministry.[1]
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New Year’s Resolutions
For a person to keep a New Years’ resolution it has to be rooted in the person having a genuine need and the person seeing the benefit of keeping the resolution. Your praying, planning, budgeting will bring needed resolutions to your attention that if you make these changes will help you to be healthier, happier, more rested, and growing as a person.
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5. Review the previous year. I keep a journal where I record detailed notes of meetings, planning lists, journal entries, ideas etc. and I when I go through this time of planning, I review these journals from the previous year. I am reminded of ideas that I had forgotten about, people I need to develop relationships with, projects that have been completed (or not completed), or even goals that have been met.
These journals are encouraging because I am able to see how God has answered prayer, provided what was needed to complete various ministry projects, and carried me through one more year of ministry. They are a reminder of God’s faithfulness.
Unlike a previous year’s calendar, a journal reminds me of thoughts and feelings. There are some items and information that I will transfer from an older journal to a new one, but for the most part each journal is a step forward into a new year.
Regardless of your method, how will you review the previous year? Do we just say it is a “one off,” and treat 2021 like 2019 and pretend 2020 really didn’t happen?
6. Contentment but not Satisfaction. This is not about “we had 20 last year, so this year I want to have 40.” Or “we had 6 groups last year, so this year I want to have 12!” Wanting more people, money or equipment simply because that’s how the world measures success is not a good way of determining a direction in ministry. This method is rooted in pride and will be quickly abandoned when things get difficult.
Before Covid-19 many church leaders measured success by how many backsides were in the pew, and how many dollars were in the plate. Now we are talking about virtual services and giving online. Covid-19 has taught us new ways of measuring success, such as “engagement,” and “relationship building.” But, this is really as it has always been since the time of the early church, we just needed a pandemic to bring us back into focus.
Let me be of encouragement to you, that God loves you, has a purpose and plan for your life and this coming year is going to be a year of recovery and re-building. As we all are beginning to come out of our post-apocalyptic bunkers, know that God will reward our faithfulness to Him.
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[1] 1 Timothy 3:4
A Season for Everything — Dealing with 2020
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***There is a sermon link at the bottom of this page from a sermon I preached on Ecclesiastes 3, a few years ago.
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Life is constantly moving from one thing to another and we are in constant transition. When you are born your body radically changes daily. From there it’s walking, potty training, eating by yourself, then eventually reading, writing, driving, Calculus, girlfriends, college, marriage, kids, mini-vans, thinning hair, kids start dating, kids leave for college, etc. At every stage, just when you have it figured out, guess what? It’s time to change to something else. If 2020 has taught us anything, it is that life is going to change, and rarely does it go back to being “normal.”
The following are a few mistakes that we can make in dealing with transitions.
Mistakes of dealing with transitions of life:
Moving Forward Too Fast
This is when we are looking toward the next transition too soon.When I was in seminary there were those that would max out the amount of classes they could take. They rarely (if ever) left their rooms except to go to class. If you did happen to see these recluses, and were able to squeeze in a conversation, they constantly talked about how they wanted to finish school as soon as possible (yeah, no kidding).
They were missing “the seminary experience” in order to get to the “real world” of ministry. The whole purpose of seminary was to equip them for the ministry they desired to do, but in their rushing through the experience they were short circuiting the process of being equipped in order to move to the next stage. They were checking the boxes as fast as they could.
At every stage of life and in every time of transition there are things we are to learn, life lessons to experience, and people that we are to meet and engage in life with. If you move from stage to stage, and transition to transition, with never stopping to engage in the moment, then you are going to miss something very important in your life. But seriously, “When have you finally arrived?” At what point of success will you slow down and concentrate on the moment?
Holding On For Too Long
The second mistake is the opposite of the first. This is when we try to hold on to the past so long that it keeps us from moving with the flow of the present. It’s like we are anchored to the past, and the swirl of the current of life roars past us. If Stacy London and Clinton Kelly have taught me anything, it is that people get trapped in a time of their lives then they were happy or at least felt safe. But when they aren’t able to move forward in life (like when someone dies, a divorce, or some other tragic event) their fashion/dress gets stuck and they don’t move on. This is a visual picture of what happens when we don’t roll with the transitions, but emotionally (which we can’t see) it make take the form of shutting down, not trying, or just trying to disappear from society. Life becomes this dance of grabbing on the present, while letting go of the past – moment to moment.
People Are Important
Another mistake people make in dealing with transitions is Not Developing Relationships As You Go. Life (and ministry) is all about relationships, people, and how we are all connected together. It took me until my adult life to realize that the people who have been in my life weren’t just there (as trees in a landscape), they were there for me to develop meaningful relationships with.
In our self-centered lives we tend to view people as ways to get us to where we want to go; they become tools we use to help us advance in our goals, visions, or careers. If they can’t be of help to us, we tend to marginalize them out of our lives. This is a huge mistake because even if you perceive that a person will be in your life for a short period of time, you still should make an effort to get to know them, love them, befriend them, and invest your life in theirs. Who knows where it might lead and what the future holds? But also, what if we are in one season of life much longer than we had anticipated?
Not Enjoying the Moment
There are moments in my kid’s lives that I will always treasure. I have loved leading Joshua and Caleb in Scouts, having lunch with Isaac and picking him up from school, or doing Hannah-Grace’s hair for a dance recital when her mother had to go out of town.
It sounds cliche, but “stop to smell the roses.” Our kids are only in their transition for a moment and then they move on to something else. Each day is a gift, and each new change is an opportunity to keep a great relationship, start over, or make things right.
Transitions cause stress in our lives. We feel the need to make decisions, and our focus can become completely consumed by this need to take some action, make a final decision, or the feeling to just do something. During these times of transitions (especially during moments like today) we are not sure of what we need to do. In that time of stress, life still moves on, it doesn’t stop because we are not sure what we should be doing.
Ministry involves emotional work. Like nurses or police officers, pastors regularly engage in activities as a part of their day-to-day responsibilities where they must deal with other people’s problems, emotions, and behavior. They are expected to express love, compassion, emotion, or they are expected to reserve that emotion, to be professionally distant and to control it all like a switch.
So as the years go by, if we are not careful, our emotion switch gets stuck or even broken. Numbness and callousness sets in like a whiteout in the winter. We stop feeling, caring, and everything goes on autopilot. We are so “professional” that we can fool everyone, even ourselves.
But if we are numb on the inside, then we miss those moments of transitions that our kid’s need for us to be completely present. If you are at this point, and you are not able to enjoy the moment then stop what you are doing, take a break, pray, and focus on doing whatever it takes to regain your sense of feeling. One of the ways that I have found to manage that professional numbness is to focus on today (you can’t control tomorrow). I don’t know what God has in store for me in the future, but today I have responsibilities, children who need a dad, a wife that needs a husband, etc. If I can focus on that, and only that, then I can fend off the feeling of paralysis by analysis.
All of these things deal with finding the right balance between moving and staying still, holding on and letting go, building up and moving on (Ecclesiastes 3 puts it much better; see below). I would also recommend “Didn’t See It Coming,” by Carey Nieuwhof. While it doesn’t completely offer steps to solve this issue, it does give you a point of reference on the topic (in other words it is a helpful place to begin the discussion with yourself and others).
I have found that it has been my relationship with Jesus that allowed me to find that place between true joy through living out one’s purpose without slipping into numb professionalism and feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of life.
Here is a sermon on Ecclesiastes 3 that I preached at Daybreak Community Church, many a moon ago. It also deals with the issue of change and how life stinks sometimes.
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Ecclesiastes 3 “A Time for Everything” (ESV)
For everything there is a season, and la time for every matter under heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to mdie;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to nweep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to odance;
5 a time to pcast away stones, and a time to qgather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to rrefrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to slose;
a time to keep, and a time to tcast away;
7 a time to utear, and a time to sew;
a time to vkeep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to whate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.
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